This summer, many kids have started
their first full-time jobs. They look so cute and optimistic on the subway and
carrying those Panera or Chipotle bags back to their desks during their lunch
hours. They still, with great earnestness, use the term “lunch hour.”
When I began my first 9-to-5 office job,
my parents and other mentors gave me stellar tips on how to navigate the new
terrain. Here’s some of what they didn’t convey:
*If you microwave popcorn in the floor
kitchen, it’ll stink up most of the floor for at least 20 minutes. People will
follow the scent to your work station and expect you to share.
*Be very afraid when someone asks
whether you’re a team player.
*Street smarts beat book smarts.
*Ignore any list of how much $$ the rest
of your “team” makes, even if it’s perched atop a fax machine you’re
about to use. It will only infuriate you.
*Nepotism is alive and well, beating out
street smarts and book smarts.
*Every time you stay at a five-star
hotel on an all-expenses-paid business trip, leave a cash tip for the
housekeepers.
*When a team member has massively pissed
you off, don’t take deep breaths – take a walk. A brisk one. Around the block.
A few times, if necessary. Swing those arms. It does wonders.
*Many high-functioning alcoholics and
cokeheads are lit during the workday.
When that manic colleague with perpetually dilated pupils claims all the
shallow sniffing (in the middle of January) is due to a pollen allergy, let
skepticism get the better of you.
*Use up all of your paid vacation and
personal days.
*Aside from the beach, when it’s above
90 degrees and humid on a weekday, there are few spots more comfortable than an
over-air-conditioned office. Savor it, and just smile and nod when You-Know-Who
blames the latest round of sniffing on that frosty air.