Monday, October 27, 2014

Seeking to Hire an Unflappable Personal Assistant, Who Will Report Directly to Me

Method of payment: Popsicles (flavors negotiable) and the privilege of blossoming under my tutelage.

Benefits: See above.

***An internal candidate has been identified but (promises of popsicles notwithstanding) has not applied for the position - yet; thus, I am still accepting applications and will consider a handful of qualified candidates***

Responsibilities (Minimum 2 weeks of related experience):

*Short-order cooking, baking, tailoring, and document shredding.

*Starbucks, grocery store, and drugstore runs. And I mean that literally, especially on the way to these places. Your pace must be no slower than a steady, 11-minute-mile jog.

*Serving as the chief middleman between my super/landlord and me.

*Serving as the chief middleman between lots of other people (located near and far) and me, which will include answering my door every time the bell rings and, if the ringer offers a “Can the Dead Live Again?” pamphlet, gamely responding: “Damn right they can. Just the number of Jerry Garcia tribute bands on the Atlantic seaboard alone shows that the Dead is as eternal as Beethoven and Billie Holiday.”

*Treating my birthday as a national holiday (without expecting to get the day off) and profusely thanking me when I, in turn, treat yours as one.


*Spirit, guts (which are fancy words for confidence); remaining highly energetic, but calm, all at once.

 *Proficiency in not only rolling with the punches but in not hesitating to roll out some of your own, when the situation calls for it. I’m essentially looking for an unarmed version of Mikey from season 1 of The Sopranos.

*Must know CPR and best practices for nursing a wound after someone (who will go unnamed) has tripped and fallen on concrete, really scraping herself up again.

*Must never take an expression/concept like “dance like no one’s watching” all that seriously.

*Must have at least one big dream and an even bigger fear of not attaining it. You must be someone who will not settle for or limit yourself to popsicle stands for too long and will treat me to a few popsicles when your time comes.


  1. I used to tell my husband, "What we need around here is a wife." Nowadays, I guess I would say, "What we need around here is a personal assistant." To carry out the garbage, do the laundry, cook the dinner, shred the paper docs, and so on and so forth. This wish is tucked under the category of "After We Win the Lottery," along with that trip to Paris and London. Well, I tell l myself that dreams do happen :)

  2. The privilege of blossoming under your tutelage... Where do I sign? Document shredding is my specialty. Give me an exra popsicle and I'll even have your documents for breakfast.

    Oh darn.... an 11-minute-mile jog. No can do. When I run, I die.... literally. But look at me, I'm not a terrible looking guy, I can make you smile and.... oh wait, tht's a different add...

    Just for the record: your birthday is a national holiday in my book.


    1. Your application has been deferred (you'd be the front-runner if you WERE a runner).